The list is VERY long as to why I hate getting a massage. Unfortunately when I tweaked a muscle in my back on Sunday I knew it was time to revisit my nemesis and today I was reminded of all the reasons why I hate it. Sure I have a whole lot of issues about inappropriate personal touching - but even discounting these, the list I have is loooooong.
As I was lying there on the table today,I started making a mental list of all the things I hate about it.
1 - The massage therapist manages to find every single knot in my muscles and keeps digging her diggy little bony fingers into them.
2 - From time to time as a result of this knot digging I feel like I might throw up and I spend a considerable amount of time wondering if I will be able to aim the vomit so it would go through that little hole in the headrest on the massage table.
3 - When I tell her about this she just laughs and says she must be doing a good job then ( Who laughs when someone says they think they might throw up?)
4 - When I'm not concerned about vomiting, I am drooling all over the massage table, not because I am relaxed but because I have lost control of all my body fluids.
4 - The massage therapist keeps having to remind me to stop holding my breath as I wait for her to work on another one of those bloody muscle knots. She doesn't realize I am holding my breath in the hope that I will pass out and remain unconscious for the remainder of the massage.
5 - I hear myself audibly wimper as I try not to cry like a little girl - (put your big girl pants on is all I can think to myself. No-one cries when they get a massage.)
6 - I have bruises all over my body the next day.
7 - The therapist tells me to put ice packs on the sore spots where she has had to work really hard on my muscles. Arrgg, that is the whole reason why I am here in the first place you stupid woman. I don't need extra places for ice packs - I have plenty of those already
8 - At the end of the massage I want to punch the therapist in the face. Mostly because she has beaten the @#*! out of me but also because I have to pay her for it.
9 - After its all over she gives me a bottle of water and a peppermint patty and makes small talk with me and I have to pretend that I like her and I don't want to punch her in the face.
I could go on but it only gets worse from here. And guess what...I will probably be back again in her office in a month thinking the exact same things.