Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Why I Hate Massage

The list is VERY long as to why I hate getting a massage. Unfortunately when I tweaked a muscle in my back on Sunday I knew it was time to revisit my nemesis and today I was reminded of all the reasons why I hate it. Sure I have a whole lot of issues about inappropriate personal touching - but even discounting these, the list I have is loooooong.

As I was lying there on the table today,I started making a mental list of all the things I hate about it.

1 - The massage therapist manages to find every single knot in my muscles and keeps digging her diggy little bony fingers into them.

2 - From time to time as a result of this knot digging I feel like I might throw up and I spend a considerable amount of time wondering if I will be able to aim the vomit so it would go through that little hole in the headrest on the massage table.

3 - When I tell her about this she just laughs and says she must be doing a good job then ( Who laughs when someone says they think they might throw up?)

4 - When I'm not concerned about vomiting, I am drooling all over the massage table, not because I am relaxed but because I have lost control of all my body fluids.

4 - The massage therapist keeps having to remind me to stop holding my breath as I wait for her to work on another one of those bloody muscle knots. She doesn't realize I am holding my breath in the hope that I will pass out and remain unconscious for the remainder of the massage.

5 - I hear myself audibly wimper as I try not to cry like a little girl - (put your big girl pants on is all I can think to myself. No-one cries when they get a massage.)

6 - I have bruises all over my body the next day.

7 - The therapist tells me to put ice packs on the sore spots where she has had to work really hard on my muscles. Arrgg, that is the whole reason why I am here in the first place you stupid woman. I don't need extra places for ice packs - I have plenty of those already

8 - At the end of the massage I want to punch the therapist in the face. Mostly because she has beaten the @#*! out of me but also because I have to pay her for it.

9 - After its all over she gives me a bottle of water and a peppermint patty and makes small talk with me and I have to pretend that I like her and I don't want to punch her in the face.

I could go on but it only gets worse from here. And guess what...I will probably be back again in her office in a month thinking the exact same things.


  1. Gah! I love you! ;) hahaha!!

    Take an Advil and try to sleep it off.

  2. I have exactly the same issues... I hold my breath, I get bruises, I have cried (yes, I have cried on the table). One of my closest friends is a massage therapist but that doesn't make it much better! I feel your pain. Literally.

  3. Ha! Good massage therapists definitely have something in common with sadists. But for the benefit of us not getting injured, they really do work. I love mine. My reaction ever since I started seeing someone for ART work is to giggle hysterically instead of crying.

  4. Oh, I can't stop laughing!! I didn't know there was someone else out there that felt exactly like I do!! I guess you haven't told your life story? I hate that when that happens - someone says it has to do with the events that happen and the stress gets "stuck" in the body - I always thought massages were supposed to be relaxing... I guess that isn't what we get while we are training for the IRONMAN :)

  5. That is the funniest post I've read in a while. I can just see you gritting your teeth! Is this where I say that I LOVE massages? Please don't punch me:)

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  7. Did you go in for deep tissue or Swedish? Sounds like you got a DT or NMT (neuromuscular therapy) massage. These types of massage can be a bit much for someone not used to a lot of preasure. Find a different therapist, one who specializes in swedish, and specify that you only like LIGHT touch. Swedish-Tai might be good choice for you too as it involves a good amount of stretching. Also, it's important to remember to drink plenty of water after your session. You know how you feel sore after a workout or when you've been overly active? That's lactic acid buildup in the muscle tissue. Massage releases that acid from the tissue and the water you drink helps to flush it out.